


Broken

by Anonless



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, dave being an ass and not wanting to share his emotions like always, emotionally broken, maybe more characters later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-29
Updated: 2013-01-18
Packaged: 2017-11-04 12:38:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonless/pseuds/Anonless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave finds himself in a conflicting emotional downfall from terrifying nightmares and panic attacks and occasional pissing his own bed. He desperately wishes to have John as the anchor in his life yet is reluctant to admit so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The air outside was chilled from the late fall season in a certain Washington city. The streets were bare, quiet and held a definite calmness as the people slept away in the very early hours.

But for one Dave Strider this night held hardly any sleep. In truth, the amount of sleep he has had in the past week would equal to how much he adores smuppets. Which is jack shit. Fuck smuppets and this lack of sleep. In truth, he would much rather deal with a whole parade of smuppets over the nonexistence of sleep in his life.

Ok, maybe he would not be complaining if it wasn’t just the lack of sleep which was making Dave so desperate to suffer smuppets for a few hours to rest soundly. Maybe it had to do with the ever growing nightmares he had each and every night which were the cause of his current state, trembling, unable to move, caked in salty sweat making his sheets cling to him and how he could feel every beat his heart made flow through his body in such a revolting manner. It was like this every night ever since the Game.

Being such a cool and collected person, Dave had thought he would be the last to fall under such traumatic pressure. But here he was, yet again, years after the Game had ended. However, tonight was better than most. His sheets were clean of his own piss.

Fuck. Yeah, he sometimes wet his bed from these fucked up nightmares. The first time it happened he was mortified being reduced to sneak his bed sheets into the washer without Bro knowing. But of course Bro found out. He knew everything about Dave and what went down in his life. But the subject was never brought out into conversation. It was a relief but still pissed off Dave to no end for some reason that Bro just let it go. Was he saving Dave from humiliation? Maybe he was going through the same trauma after being brought back from the Game. Or maybe Bro just pitied him and knew how weak he was. That was the one thought that scared Dave the most.

Recalling waking in a puddle of his own shame and the nagging reminder of Bro was enough to push Dave to sit up from where he had been laying for the past few minutes in his bed. Running a shaking hand through his damped hair his mind tried to force out what he saw while he slept. He, however, always failed to forget these nightmares.

The nightmares were generally very similar. He would find himself alone in darkness unable to even see his hands in front of his face. There was no sound and no matter how hard he tried his own voice was lost in the surrounding nothingness. It was then that there would be figures emerging from the darkness. They always started off as a few blurred, faceless figures with a sort of gray coloring to them and they paid no mind to Dave or even acknowledge his existence.

These featureless people began to multiply until the darkness had vanished and Dave was now surrounded in a never-ending sea of the figures. It was then when he started to hear the whispers. Some were meaningless but there were always a few which rang in his ears of voices he knew all too well.

He heard Bro at first. Quiet whispers of disappointment, "I thought you had my back but I guess I was wrong. All those strifes and you just fucked up again." He could hear Rose as well. "This is why you should do as I say. If only you were to listen for once… This is why John is dead." More voices began to swarm around him belonging to Terezi of how he had no sense for justice. Soon enough he heard Jade, Karkat and Gamzee and more and more. Whenever Dave opened his mouth to respond his voice would never come to him. He could feel his words trapped in his throat and they continued to collect there inside him until he felt close to suffocating. His breath was starting to become shallow and he seemed to become slightly lightheaded. Soon the whispers became harsh outspoken words until they were shouting in his ears. It was then he heard one other voice, not shouting as it was just barely above a whisper but it spoke more clearly to Dave over all the screams and yelling that surrounded him. It was so familiar and right away Dave knew it belonged to his best friend, John. It was soft yet held a kind of bitterness which seemed more close to resentful as John’s words spilled of him, "Dave…why did you let me die?".

That was the breaking point as Dave’s whole body gave underneath him, collapsing on his back looking up at the faceless beings above him who now took an interest in him. Even without eyes Dave could feel them staring down at him. It was frightening but worse when white bold teeth began to form across their grey skin. They were smiling at Dave. Mocking him. He was defenseless, vulnerable, and weak. Left there on his back and choking on his own voice and overpowered by the shouting voices. It was then Dave knew he was close to death. Any moment and his struggle to keep breathing would cease and he would lie there lifeless.

And now Dave was on his bed scared shitless. His breathing was still uneven and he was sometimes reduced gasping for breath as if he had been smothered by the voices. The images could easily be pushed aside as he buried the palms of his hands into his eyes rubbing them ruthlessly.

The voices were another challenge to forget. Even now he could hear them echoing in his ears seeping into his mind. They repeated over and over of how much they were disappointed with him. And how he let them all down and how he let John just die. He rubbed his eyes even more harshly trying to use pain as a distraction as he tried desperately to hold back sobs. He failed.

His body began trembling uncontrollably now and his covered eyes began to swell with tears that quickly streamed down his pale face and collect into his hands. His sobbing was barely audible but even so there were sounds of whimpers and cries of distress which filled his room.

He had enough control, much to whatever pride he had left, to make sure to keep his breakdown as silent as possible to not disturb anyone. And by anyone he means his roommate and best friend, John Egbert.

Dave had moved up to Washington and the two had moved in together not too long ago after John had turned nineteen. They attended the same college and both men had jobs to split the rent of their cramped apartment. And his nightmares have been almost manageable until tonight. He never imagined if John were to find him like this. The thought of John seeing him in such a horribly uncool state was not acceptable. No matter how much he would love to have John hug him tightly right now and whisper how everything is fine.

Actually, that sounded exactly what he needed right now. He knew John would not think twice to shelter him and to live up to his title of best friend by give Dave soothing words of comfort and tell him he lo--- His senseless mind fantasies were cut off short as he registered the small sounding creak his door made when opened. His head shot up from his hands which were now moist with tears before his eyes darted toward his door.

"Dave?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was my first published fanfic.  
> This was originally posted on livejournal homesmut and will be updated first there and then here.  
> http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15949.html?thread=31719501
> 
> Please forgive me if I disappear for some time. I have college shit going on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is an emotionally broken ass.

Dave’s vision was blurred from his own tears but he could still make out his friend’s face well enough to see the scruff of untamable black hair, thick framed glasses, his mouth hung slightly opened in what was most likely shock and those deep blue eyes were locked on Dave. He’s staring. John Egbert, the boy who you thought was sleeping in the next room over, was staring at you from your bedroom door.

A rush of anxiety spilled over Dave as he tried to pull his scrambled thoughts together. He must look like a complete mess. He could practically feel the blood rush to his face possibly, probably, making it turn a deeper shade of a mixture of embarrassment, shame, and dread. His face was doubtless showing so much emotion at the current situation and colored red which would match his own eyes almost perfectly. His eyes. His shades.

Registering how exactly exposed his face actually was he made a swift but ungraceful lunge at his nightstand for his shades. As soon as his fingers touched the smooth, yet aged, surface of the sunglasses they were placed upon his face. Dave took a few unsteady deep breaths trying to regain himself and his casual façade while avoiding John’s gaze as much as possible. He settled for staring down at his bed sheets, thanking whatever higher power or whatever that he did not wet his bed tonight.

“I-I heard you screaming… Dave, what happened?” There was clear concern in John’s voice and it made Dave physically flinch to hear those words. So he had screamed in his sleep. It made sense, how else would have John had heard Dave. It also made sense why Dave was barely able to swallow let alone even give an attempt to respond which he didn’t.

He refused to look at John, no, this was not what he wanted for his friend to see him like this. Even with his shades now shielding his eyes he knew his face was still far from composed. “Dave…” His words were soft and full of worry yet Dave held his focus on his knees where they were outlined by his thin sheets. That was until he heard movement.

Dave’s eyes darted to see John, first hesitantly, begin to make his way across the cluttered room for Dave. He was probably coming to sweep him into an embracing bro huge, listen to whatever Dave had to say, let him spill everything, all his worries and his fears. And John would just listen like a best friend and rub Dave’s back in a soothing attempt to calm him down. Dave could feel his chest constrict at these thoughts. He wanted, no, he desperately needed this. And there was John, barely three feet away and raising his hands ready to take Dave into his arms. Ready to give Dave the comfort he needed so severely. It was so close and as John’s fingers slowly moved to touch the pale locks of hair, Dave froze.

He panicked. With a swift movement, he slapped John’s hands away. “Don’t.” That one word alone burned Dave’s throat and sounded hoarse from the result of his screaming. A wave of hurt crossed John’s face not from the sudden slap on his hands but from rejection. His arms were still raised but have stilled in midair unsure whether to try to hold Dave again or drop at his sides. He decided to try a second attempt to get closer to his friend. Because that is what best bros do.

A hand shot up in between the boys as John began to move forward. A warning to not advance any further and Dave managed to slide backwards on his bed to gain some sort of distance from the caring boy. “John. Get out.” His voice was now barely audible and John’s head titled slightly not quite catching what had been said. “Dave, wha-”

“Just..get out. Now, John.” Dave’s voice was louder now if not harsher than before. He could feel himself start to shake again. A conflict was occurring inside Dave as he still continued to hold his hand raised to keep up a barrier cutting John off from him. What was he doing? Why the fuck was he doing this? Everything he needed was right in front of him and all he needed to do was lower his hand and let the other boy continue with his efforts to comfort him. But there was this unsettling feeling surging through Dave which was keeping his hand up, blocking out any interaction and his words just sort of flowed out of his mouth without his permission. The best reason Dave could think of his actions was from his lack of emotional connection between his brother and himself. Throughout his entire life he was taught to eliminate any sort of emotion in his facial expressions and vocabulary. Everything he has based his life on was being challenged by a source of security which was standing only a few feet away. And it was when John made another advance toward Dave did he then choose how this was going to end.

His instinct won over desire as what little control he had was gone in an instant as cruel, harsh words spilled from his mouth directed to John. “Get the fuck out! John, no, I don’t need your damn pity and don’t look at me like that! Just get out of here!” Dave had lunged at the other boy by the time he started shouting, practically shoving him toward the door. John had barely begun to comprehend what was happening before he had stumbled out into the lit hallway. His eyes were huge with confusion of the sudden result. There was a split second were Dave paused as his hand grasped his door. He could fix this, he could go in for a hug right now and just ask for forgiveness. But that is not what Striders do. They are not supposed to show their emotions. Striders don’t break down in distress or sob into someones arms. Instead, they slam their door in their best friend’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh.  
> Short chapter is short.
> 
> Also, not much to say about this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets some advice.

Pathetic. This is what Dave Strider has claimed himself to be. No ironic joke or metaphor could fix what he did and acted like. The remainder of the night was spent in a fatigued daze, doing nothing but staring at his ceiling. At about ten in the morning he heard John quietly, try as he might he would never be as stealthy as Dave, make his way around the apartment. He heard him tiptoe past Dave’s room, open the refrigerator and close it, tiptoe back past Dave’s room but not before pausing in front his door. Dave’s heartbeat stilled, waiting for anything. A knock, his voice, anything.

Nothing came and just as Dave was about to rise from his spot on his bed, John scurried away and he heard the apartment door open and close. He was alone now and the thought made his head pound with a headache he failed to notice he had before and his urge to urinate. ‘At least I didn’t piss myself last night.’ He mentally praised himself before forcing himself to leave his bed, making his way toward his door and opening it and stopping immediately.

Placed on the floor was a small bottle of apple juice and a sticky note which lay on top of the lid. He didn’t hesitate to pick up the item holding it gently and feeling the freshness of its cold against his hands. He reads the note.

_hey i noticed you’re almost out of aj and thought i would get some more._

_i’ll be back latter._

_and when i get back we should watch a movie or something._

_~john_

Dave reads the note more times then he’d like to admit feeling conflicted. Sure John’s a cool bro but he wouldn’t go out of his way to buy Dave some apple juice. He left to get out of this weird awkward atmosphere that’s assaulted their small apartment. And now he’s trying to act like nothing happened. This was cool with Dave. Icy chill in fact.

Or maybe not. He really needs to talk to someone but probably best if it was John. But the thought of that terrifies him. He’s pathetic.

TT: You are a mess.

TG: i know

TT: So, are you going to actually tell me what is going on with you or are we going to jump into our tango of witty remarks and sarcasm until you finally break and explain exactly what’s happened?

TT: John is being just as difficult.

TT: And don’t deny it has nothing to do with him.

TT: It just so happens that he has already started a little dance of words with me not long ago.

TT: The timing of you both messaging me with issues today is so painfully obvious that I will not seem oblivious to who is upsetting you.

TT: Dave.

TT: Stop staring at my text and respond.

TT: Don’t make me tell Dirk.

TG: fuck ok

TG: it is ebgert

TG: shit

TG: no its not him he didn’t do anything wrong

TG: just me being a total tool

TT: Unsurprising.

TG: wow fuck you

TG: anyway

TG: its just those fucking dreams

TG: for real am I the only one who has these

TT: No. From what I understand everyone has them but yours seems to more of an emotional trauma.

TG: just say it im a fucking pansy

TT: Are you still wetting your bed?

TG: no

TG: havent since like two weeks ago

TG: ugh fuck

TT: Alright. So, it’s about your nightmares but what does this have to do with John?

TT: He seemed awfully distressed.

TG: yeah well i dont blame him

TG: after what i did he must think i a fucking bitch

TT: Care to share?

TG: no

TG: but fuck it

TG: so yeah he heard me screaming or some shit in my sleep and being the best bro he is he checked up on me

TG: saw the shattered remains of a strider

TG: me in tears and looking like a little bitch

TG: good way to put it it was like a train wreck that he just couldnt look away from

TG: best part he tried to help me

TG: all caring and shit

TG: well you can guess that i was not cool with this and kicked his ass out of my room

TG: and now its awkward as hell

TG: he left and i guess he wont be back for a while

TG: guy needed air to breathe that wasnt thick with the downfall of manlyness

TT: You’re implying that him seeing you cry and emotionally hurt made him think less of you?

TG: what no

TG: it’s a man thing

TG: you wouldnt get it

TT: Right, of course.

TT: But I believe he left because he thought you wanted space.

TT: Since you made it clear you didn’t want him seeing you like this.

TT: When he gets back you two should talk.

TT: Have a ‘feelings jam’.

TG: ugh right

TG: cause talking about feelings makes everything better

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: Sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look.  
> I updated.


End file.
